Clandestino

Calm, clear times in this fair city lately. The weather, as usual, has been a crazy mix of freakishly beautiful (especially for January) and sort of cold. It's overcast now, threatening rain, but the sky makes these empty promises so often, most of us have learned to ignore any warning signs of drizzle until we're knee-deep in a tremendous thunderstorm. We had one last week that rattled our windows and flooded our yards; it was raining so hard and for so long that it would have been foolish to go out in it. I remember one particular clap of thunder that shook me to the core; it felt like the sound went off right next to and inside my head at once, and I felt that terrible primal fear buried deep within us all.

Still, the day after the storm was cool, damp, and beautiful. You could feel how desperately the earth needed the saturation, how much we needed it to bring everything full circle, to wash away all the ugly things that have so far stayed stuck to our shoes in the new year. The sky may be gray, the gathering wind may be murmuring at my door, but my heart is full of hope. I feel strong, honest, clean, and peaceful. It has been a long time since I have taken very good care of myself, and this week a simple contest with some friends ended up changing everything. Once again I find myself nursing my wounds, crouching low inside a soft nest, quieting all the strange and unwelcome demons which have, of late, had a strong hand in running my life. I feel no sorrow for myself, there is no time for it and it would not make me any more productive - today I am simply grateful for the beautiful life which has been gifted me and I vow to pay more attention to it, be more aware of it, and do everything I can to embrace it. 

How nice it has been to catch up on sleep! How nice it has been to spend hours falling into a book, or playing music in the sunshine, riding my bike miles and miles, taking Seamus out for long walks. My days feel longer and fuller, my head feels clearer than it has in months. I'm utterly cheerful and energetic.  
I'm not sure what took me so long to figure it out. I suppose I know from experience that one will often go to extreme measures to avoid dealing with their problems, taking what seems to be the easy way out but which only brings one more misfortune down the road. I think I once again took that road further than I should have, and now I'm backtracking to when my mindset was much healthier. I think it will take time yet, but my faith and belief in myself has been renewed, and I know this is something I can do. I'm determined to stick to my word this time. This week has been a relief and a blessing. 

I got invited to go to Tuscon for a few days next week to spend some time in the desert. The timing couldn't be better. I really hope it works out so that I get to go. It would be so perfect to have nothing to do for a while, just hike and explore and relax. I would cross my fingers but it seems like a lot of things have been working out in my favor recently so I think I'll just trust that it will happen if it's meant to.

Here is a picture of what I did last night when I got home from work. My dear friend Stacy recommended I read Edward abbey's book Desert Solitaire, and I've been positively drowning in it, it's so good! It inspired me to break out a couple of other relevant books, and before I knew it I had a big ol' geek-fest on my hands and it was fucking delightful.

 

On the agenda for tonight: more Desert Solitaire, accordion, maybe going over to a friend's house for tea and chats. Cheers to this week!