Went to the market to buy you a treat
For you my sweet, oh, my sweet
Went there thinking of your eyes
Those golden eyes, they're all mine
So I went to the chocolatier
For you my dear, oh, my dear
And asked what she might have for you
For love so true, I love you
She said nothing but the best would do
For love so true, love so true
And as I gazed into her eyes of blue
I said I love you too, love you too
So I went home to let you know
That I must go, I must go
But as I saw you at the door
I knew I loved you more, loved you more
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Voy calle abajo, voy calle arriba
I made Adam a necklace today. Mostly I am really excited about the fossil pendant I found for it which is an opalized ammonite dug up in Madagascar.
This view shows you the opal inside of it. So cool!
The other minerals (from the top) are native copper, turquoise, and garnet.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
The Gates of Moria
Uhh. I want this tattooed on my back.
Speak friend and enter.
I have a couple of ideas for small tattoos that I want to get in the next couple of months, but this feels like a more pressing issue. I need $1000 in my tattoo fund, stat. I am shamelessly obsessed with the Lord of the Rings trilogy and I blame Adam and entirely!
Friday, September 3, 2010
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Odessa
Feeling a little bewildered by humanity today. On the one hand, sat in on Adam's happy hour gig at the Hole in the Wall and was very well-received despite the lack of people there. On the other hand, have to deal with EXTREMELY LAME online drama concerning a) a bar I was at last week and b) an offer to compete in a mud/Jello wrestling match via ModelMayhem. Seriously, what the fuck are all these people thinking?? Makes me wonder sometimes.
In other news, was given a kickass Tamron zoom lens today in advance exchange for several shoots which was extremely nice (thank you David Jewell!), as opposed to the last person who "traded" me a lens for five shoots and has not yet reimbursed me with said lens. Lens is awesome and can finally take my camera out places, so sweet. Used it first off to take photos of my sprouts this fall:
In other news, was given a kickass Tamron zoom lens today in advance exchange for several shoots which was extremely nice (thank you David Jewell!), as opposed to the last person who "traded" me a lens for five shoots and has not yet reimbursed me with said lens. Lens is awesome and can finally take my camera out places, so sweet. Used it first off to take photos of my sprouts this fall:
Kale!
Carrots and New Zealand spinach!
I also have an assload of prickly pear cactus growing in my front yard and all of the fruit is ripening and turning this beautiful shade of burgundy. I looked up how to harvest it online and soon I will have a bountiful harvest of cactus fruit that I have no idea what to do with. Get it while it's hot! (Seriously, Austin, if you want some please hit me up.) Over 'n' out.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Shine, Shine, Shine
This is what I dreamed about last night:
Tonight I am working wax into my newborn dreads, making myself smell like a goddamn hippie, and drinking a fancy bottle of wine that my work gave me for being awesome (!). I start training to be a server next week and I'm really excited; hopefully it will mean oodles more cash.
My camera is on hiatus right now or else I would post pictures of my teensy kale sprouts that have come up in just two days. Four of them already! I planted carrots and New Zealand spinach too, but I have never grown either of those before, so it remains to be seen how they will fare.
Learning lots of new songs lately. This one is next on my list, though my sister recommended it to me ages ago...
DeVotchKa - Strizzalo
Also Opa Tsupa! (Which is absurdly difficult.)
Ah yes...I am also a little homesick, for certain people, and for the ocean and the rolling fog of the hills. I am really looking forward to getting to visit again in December, or earlier, if I am lucky.
- Orcs
- Ammonite fossils
- Giant aquariums
Tonight I am working wax into my newborn dreads, making myself smell like a goddamn hippie, and drinking a fancy bottle of wine that my work gave me for being awesome (!). I start training to be a server next week and I'm really excited; hopefully it will mean oodles more cash.
My camera is on hiatus right now or else I would post pictures of my teensy kale sprouts that have come up in just two days. Four of them already! I planted carrots and New Zealand spinach too, but I have never grown either of those before, so it remains to be seen how they will fare.
Learning lots of new songs lately. This one is next on my list, though my sister recommended it to me ages ago...
DeVotchKa - Strizzalo
Also Opa Tsupa! (Which is absurdly difficult.)
Ah yes...I am also a little homesick, for certain people, and for the ocean and the rolling fog of the hills. I am really looking forward to getting to visit again in December, or earlier, if I am lucky.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Musics
The music that comes out of Austin makes me drool and sends shivers up my spine. Last week I think I saw three or four shows in a row that were just fucking fantastic, and on all of those nights there were three other bands playing shows that I would have loved to have gone to. Not enough hours in the day, I say! Adam and I have been house-sitting for Tom Bombadil (Ralph White) and Goldberry (Amy Annelle) this last week and it has been magical as always. Spent the last two days at the Springs, fucking awesome, and now there is a big thunderstorm blowing in. I love this city.
Playing open mic night at Flipnotics with ljuibov.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Oldies + 1 Newbie
Photo by Dan Leffel
Photo by Dan Leffel
My sweetie pie Seamus!
Lots of lazy days here lately. It finally hit 100 and MY. GOD. is it hot. I think the humidity has also risen so the heat index is at like 108 or 110 and it definitely feels it. Lots of staying inside in the air conditioning. I want to go swimming but it's too much to even bike down there in the heat these days!
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Sweet, Sad, Strange
Song for a Fiddler - 4 or 5 parts now, I think, and counting...
New roommate tomorrow with soft voice, guitar
Summer heat, shadowed nights,
blue-eyed stranger on my porch playing Metzakookia,
Yiddish Blues,
Berdecheiver Khosid
Songs we knew by different names
And always the cicadas,
always the whirring of bicycles and the baying of a dog
Cold beers always and too much nicotine for a jaded spirit
And each evening, the promise of newness,
of rebirth,
of breathless phone calls in the dead of night
The wheeze of the bellows and the song within your bow
Sing it again
It's been a month, you said
noncomittally
And, I think, it will be one more month
before each little piece falls into place
Or someone comes and someone leaves
Someone comes and someone stays
I cannot say
I will keep my hands and eyes for me
For now
New roommate tomorrow with soft voice, guitar
Summer heat, shadowed nights,
blue-eyed stranger on my porch playing Metzakookia,
Yiddish Blues,
Berdecheiver Khosid
Songs we knew by different names
And always the cicadas,
always the whirring of bicycles and the baying of a dog
Cold beers always and too much nicotine for a jaded spirit
And each evening, the promise of newness,
of rebirth,
of breathless phone calls in the dead of night
The wheeze of the bellows and the song within your bow
Sing it again
It's been a month, you said
noncomittally
And, I think, it will be one more month
before each little piece falls into place
Or someone comes and someone leaves
Someone comes and someone stays
I cannot say
I will keep my hands and eyes for me
For now
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Walkabout
Last night I dreamed that I was dreaming of you
And from a window across the lawn I watched you undress
Wearing your sunset of purple tightly woven around your hair
That rose in strangled ebony curls
Moving in a yellow bedroom light
The air is wet with sound
The faraway yelping of a wounded dog
And the ground is drinking a slow faucet leak
Your house is so soft and fading as it soaks the black summer heat
A light goes on and the door opens
And a yellow cat runs out on the stream of hall light and into the yard
A wooden cherry scent is faintly breathing the air
I hear your champagne laugh
You wear two lavender orchids
One in your hair and one on your hip
A string of yellow carnival lights comes on with the dusk
Circling the lake with a slowly dipping halo
And I hear a banjo tango
And you dance into the shadow of a black poplar tree
And I watched you as you disappeared
And from a window across the lawn I watched you undress
Wearing your sunset of purple tightly woven around your hair
That rose in strangled ebony curls
Moving in a yellow bedroom light
The air is wet with sound
The faraway yelping of a wounded dog
And the ground is drinking a slow faucet leak
Your house is so soft and fading as it soaks the black summer heat
A light goes on and the door opens
And a yellow cat runs out on the stream of hall light and into the yard
A wooden cherry scent is faintly breathing the air
I hear your champagne laugh
You wear two lavender orchids
One in your hair and one on your hip
A string of yellow carnival lights comes on with the dusk
Circling the lake with a slowly dipping halo
And I hear a banjo tango
And you dance into the shadow of a black poplar tree
And I watched you as you disappeared
Stickbugman on my front door.
You are my sunshine...
Wall of tabasco at store on Decatur St., New Orleans.
Fire spinner at Viva Variety, 6/10/10.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Oy
Damn! It has been a busy month. I moved, I adopted a stray dog, I went on an impromptu road trip, my best friend came into town, I turned 21 and I have been drunk all week and my internet has not been working! Things are slowing down a bit now. I've spent the last four or five days swimming at Barton Springs and it has been so beautiful and relaxing. Currently I'm at a coffee shop catching up with emails and willing for the cloudburst to pass so I can head home. I haven't had a chance to update recently nor have I been able to upload any photos for a while but I will try and get some stuff up in the next few days - I've no idea how many people actually read this but I suppose it's more for me than anyone else anyway :) And I have so many damn pictures of fancy things to edit and be excited about and share with everyone or someone or no one. I love Austin more and more every day.
Friday, May 21, 2010
2005
I recently came across a picture of me from 2005 via an old friend's Facebook and thought, "damn, I'm so glad I don't have short black and pink hair anymore." Then, today, the same person posted this picture of me, also from 2005, and I thought, "Jesus, no wonder I had body image issues for so long..."
I weighed like 92 pounds! I barely even existed! For so many years after my drug phase I struggled with the notion that I would never be as skinny as I was on speed, and I really did not want to accept that. I kept thinking that if I just ate as little as possible and worked out all the time I could get back down to 100 pounds. I think I came close at 107 when I was about 17, but I have since given up on that "dream." Every now and again, though, I do look back at myself as I was and wonder how I really feel about my body these days. I can't say that I love every aspect of my body, but I have grown much more accepting of the parts of it that I don't really like, and I have become more comfortable about things that I used to be super self-conscious of. Sometimes I consider that it might be nice to be that thin again, but then I wonder why it would even matter, or how it would make my life better...the years that I was extremely thin (even when I was off drugs) were definitely the most miserable ones of my life. Even now I find it hard to suppress the thought that being thinner would make me happier. Maybe it would, on some level, being a model, but often times I look at my photos and think that I look much thinner than I feel, and other times I feel much thinner than I look, so I think it's entirely subjective. I've never weighed more than 120 pounds in my whole life and unless I get knocked up or go back to eating meat I highly doubt that figure will alter drastically in the next 5-10 years.
The past week has seen several instances of me being forced to relive or remember my past and I find I have a lot more demons lurking than I thought I did. I suppose, in a way, moving here was a big part of me trying to escape all of that, and while I've physically removed myself from the people and the situations that were less than favorable, the memories still remain in some remote corner of my mind and they appear to be accessible at the worst possible times. I'm not really sure how to go about dealing with those things but I'm kind of hoping that if I just keep living my life and being happy and positive that they will fade away. In the mean time I have a whole slew of new confusion to deal with.
I weighed like 92 pounds! I barely even existed! For so many years after my drug phase I struggled with the notion that I would never be as skinny as I was on speed, and I really did not want to accept that. I kept thinking that if I just ate as little as possible and worked out all the time I could get back down to 100 pounds. I think I came close at 107 when I was about 17, but I have since given up on that "dream." Every now and again, though, I do look back at myself as I was and wonder how I really feel about my body these days. I can't say that I love every aspect of my body, but I have grown much more accepting of the parts of it that I don't really like, and I have become more comfortable about things that I used to be super self-conscious of. Sometimes I consider that it might be nice to be that thin again, but then I wonder why it would even matter, or how it would make my life better...the years that I was extremely thin (even when I was off drugs) were definitely the most miserable ones of my life. Even now I find it hard to suppress the thought that being thinner would make me happier. Maybe it would, on some level, being a model, but often times I look at my photos and think that I look much thinner than I feel, and other times I feel much thinner than I look, so I think it's entirely subjective. I've never weighed more than 120 pounds in my whole life and unless I get knocked up or go back to eating meat I highly doubt that figure will alter drastically in the next 5-10 years.
The past week has seen several instances of me being forced to relive or remember my past and I find I have a lot more demons lurking than I thought I did. I suppose, in a way, moving here was a big part of me trying to escape all of that, and while I've physically removed myself from the people and the situations that were less than favorable, the memories still remain in some remote corner of my mind and they appear to be accessible at the worst possible times. I'm not really sure how to go about dealing with those things but I'm kind of hoping that if I just keep living my life and being happy and positive that they will fade away. In the mean time I have a whole slew of new confusion to deal with.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Writings
From some time ago...
Once again it lies in wait
A strange Beast with sultry voice,
it reaches for my hands and feet
and sets its lips upon them
It claws its way into my brain and there settles
under false pretense of love
It seeps lust into my dreams,
drenched in wine and smoke;
it leaves me curious and terrible and draws the air from my lungs
The Beast it leaves me longing for parched sand and foreign eyes,
for monoliths, flashes of colored light
And I, too, lie in wait
Supine in a grassy field,
naked,
a city of clouds swirling round me
As it stands, you are only a collection of letters,
a photograph, a future memory,
an absurd imagining
Further still
And the Beast rests its sparrow feet upon my shoulder
And kisses my neck
Ghastly handsome, it sings me to sleep
And coaxes sweet notes from a violet violin -
I dread the warm hour of your approach.
Once again it lies in wait
A strange Beast with sultry voice,
it reaches for my hands and feet
and sets its lips upon them
It claws its way into my brain and there settles
under false pretense of love
It seeps lust into my dreams,
drenched in wine and smoke;
it leaves me curious and terrible and draws the air from my lungs
The Beast it leaves me longing for parched sand and foreign eyes,
for monoliths, flashes of colored light
And I, too, lie in wait
Supine in a grassy field,
naked,
a city of clouds swirling round me
As it stands, you are only a collection of letters,
a photograph, a future memory,
an absurd imagining
Further still
And the Beast rests its sparrow feet upon my shoulder
And kisses my neck
Ghastly handsome, it sings me to sleep
And coaxes sweet notes from a violet violin -
I dread the warm hour of your approach.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Canto, per chi non ha fortuna
My head's all tangled up tonight. Here are some pictures.
Unedited. Photo by Dan Leffel.
Unedited. Photo by Dan Leffel.
Photos to follow are by me...
Photos to follow are by me...
The Inheritance - Michelle.
The Inheritance - Amanda.
Amy Annelle.
Not much to say presently...I'm moving into a new house in June and it's starting to stress me out just as much as moving from California did. Moving sucks. I am completely torn between wanting to have a place to be settled into and stay put and being totally restless and travelling all over the place. What now to do...
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Trade
I'm not sure if many people from the photographic world are reading this, but if you are, take heed (and perhaps pass the word along as well):
Inspired by the great people of Austin, who love a good trade, I have determined that, in order to get myself a fancy-ass camera, I should engage in a trade myself. Naturally, my mad modelling skillz came to mind first, so I would like to offer my services to anyone who should be interested:
In exchange for a dSLR of my choice (in the $800-$1000 range) I will be offering my modeling services to any photographer who needs a consistent model for an ongoing project or any number of projects. I will do 10 (ten) two- or three-hour shoots with him/her, at no charge, with the agreement that at the end of these sessions, I will either a) be paid the lump sum of my hours accumulated at that point or b) be bought/given the dSLR of my choice. Check it out, folks - my going rate is $60 an hour, so for a two-hour shoot you'd pay $120. For 10 two-hour shoots you'd be paying $1200, and for 10 three-hour shoots you'd be paying $1800. Whatta deal!
Anywho, if you're interested, or if anyone you know may be interested, get in touch. (Anyone who accepts will, naturally, be contractually obliged.) This will be posted on other relevant sites as well...
Inspired by the great people of Austin, who love a good trade, I have determined that, in order to get myself a fancy-ass camera, I should engage in a trade myself. Naturally, my mad modelling skillz came to mind first, so I would like to offer my services to anyone who should be interested:
In exchange for a dSLR of my choice (in the $800-$1000 range) I will be offering my modeling services to any photographer who needs a consistent model for an ongoing project or any number of projects. I will do 10 (ten) two- or three-hour shoots with him/her, at no charge, with the agreement that at the end of these sessions, I will either a) be paid the lump sum of my hours accumulated at that point or b) be bought/given the dSLR of my choice. Check it out, folks - my going rate is $60 an hour, so for a two-hour shoot you'd pay $120. For 10 two-hour shoots you'd be paying $1200, and for 10 three-hour shoots you'd be paying $1800. Whatta deal!
Anywho, if you're interested, or if anyone you know may be interested, get in touch. (Anyone who accepts will, naturally, be contractually obliged.) This will be posted on other relevant sites as well...
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Layte-lee
Oops, slacked on getting this thing updated again. Hectic couple of weeks; lots of shoots, house-sitting with Adam for two dogs, two cats, and six chickens...my computer is on the fritz right now too so I'm unable to post any pictures. Can't believe I have to get my hard drive replaced AGAIN. The computer is brand-fuckin-new!
Still no employment to speak of, but a couple of interviews coming up in the next week. Did an all-day outdoor shoot yesterday and came back with some bug bites on my ass, cactus thorns in my hand, and $300 in my pocket, plus a handful of rocks and some railroad spikes...so all in all a good day. My accordion is finally fixed too! Granted I have been in and out of the house so much I haven't had a lot of time to sit down and play, but all in good time...
What else...I have been on a huge coconut kick lately...as soon as I figured out how to open them it was love at first sight (sip?). The travel bug bit me again too, which is definitely the last thing I need considering my lack of funds. Driving through hill country yesterday just gave me this awful heartachey desire to be driving through the California desert again. Austin is absolutely beautiful and green and lush but there will always be something about the desert that I crave immensely that cannot be satiated by any other landscape. I need to go back in November and have a crazy Death Valley adventure with my beloved David Winge. Doing everything in my power to ensure that happens.
My head has been very much in the clouds the last couple of weeks...often I find myself walking around feeling like I'm dreaming. For that matter, the dreams I actually have had have been extremely strange and very vivid, but I suppose I go through stages like that where my dreams are really intense for a few months, and then for a while I never remember them at all. Funny.
I just made the mistake of washing my hair before I go bike around, I thought I was gonna take the bus but now I have absolutely no patience for it. Grrr. Tonight is a candle-lit banjo sesh at Flipnotics where my sweetie is playing, gonna be fun! That's it for now I suppose.
Still no employment to speak of, but a couple of interviews coming up in the next week. Did an all-day outdoor shoot yesterday and came back with some bug bites on my ass, cactus thorns in my hand, and $300 in my pocket, plus a handful of rocks and some railroad spikes...so all in all a good day. My accordion is finally fixed too! Granted I have been in and out of the house so much I haven't had a lot of time to sit down and play, but all in good time...
What else...I have been on a huge coconut kick lately...as soon as I figured out how to open them it was love at first sight (sip?). The travel bug bit me again too, which is definitely the last thing I need considering my lack of funds. Driving through hill country yesterday just gave me this awful heartachey desire to be driving through the California desert again. Austin is absolutely beautiful and green and lush but there will always be something about the desert that I crave immensely that cannot be satiated by any other landscape. I need to go back in November and have a crazy Death Valley adventure with my beloved David Winge. Doing everything in my power to ensure that happens.
My head has been very much in the clouds the last couple of weeks...often I find myself walking around feeling like I'm dreaming. For that matter, the dreams I actually have had have been extremely strange and very vivid, but I suppose I go through stages like that where my dreams are really intense for a few months, and then for a while I never remember them at all. Funny.
I just made the mistake of washing my hair before I go bike around, I thought I was gonna take the bus but now I have absolutely no patience for it. Grrr. Tonight is a candle-lit banjo sesh at Flipnotics where my sweetie is playing, gonna be fun! That's it for now I suppose.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Torn
Ooh crossroads...you've bested me again.
Did an outdoor shoot today, it was fun...came home and perused ModelMayhem for like two hours...sometimes that can be a bad idea as it can make me feel inadequate but other times it's really inspiring and thought-provoking. Today it was the latter. I really like the work I've been doing but I feel like I'm really itching to branch out and do some other styles as well. I want to do weird conceptual stuff, skeezy motel shoots, Polaroid collages, bodyscapes...but I don't really know where to start. Okay, I do know where to start - I have to go buy that full-length mirror I've been meaning to get and work on new poses and get back into doing yoga. Pick up where I left off, so to speak. I don't have a mirror in my room and it's given me an interesting sense of self-awareness not being able to see myself all the time. My dad's house had mirrors all over the place; my new house only has one in the bathroom. Trippy...but I do need one for these purposes so I suppose I can spare the 15 dollars necessary.
I guess it's just a matter of networking, the same as it was when I started doing nude art in the first place. I just feel like other models have gotten so far and have gotten to work with so many great artists and I struggle to understand what sets them apart that gives them those opportunities or if they have just been really fortunate. I don't imagine it is the latter. So far everyone I have seen that fits that description has been immensely talented and beautiful and deserves every bit of recognition and travel and pay that comes to them. I suppose in the scheme of things I'm relatively new to this field but I am itching to advance. I get frustrated with myself because I often feel like I'm just lying dormant collecting rays of light and slowly sprouting but never blooming. I need to be patient. I've been patient watching the garden grow, waiting for my seeds to sprout, learning to play the accordion (though that still gives me the same feeling as modeling does sometimes). I want to do all these things but I know that everything important to my future will unfold one way or another, and I am taking all the possible steps to ensure that it happens. It's just the waiting that gets to me.
For that matter, sometimes I wonder what direction modeling will take me or if I will discover something I love that I never would have expected. I admire a lot of models' work that falls into the erotica/fetish category, something I will never ever shoot myself, but then I wonder, why won't I? Is it because I don't do these things in my personal life? Is it because I've uncomfortable with the idea of shooting something new? Is it my morals? Or is it simply because I think I would feel out of place dressed up in heels and makeup and tu-tus or with my wrists and ankles bound? I think it is the latter, but sometimes I question it. Regardless, sometimes I tire of feeling what I consider to be "tame" in my work and long to do something startling and raw.
For that matter, sometimes I find myself dissatisfied with my general demeanor. I feel like I am too nice, too sensible. I feel like I used to be so much stranger and dreamier than I am now and it irks me a bit. I have never considered myself normal but all of a sudden I feel like I am. I am really torn. I have this beautiful happy life and a healthy, stable relationship with a man I adore; I live in a little house with dogs and chickens and I spend my days in the sunshine eating salads from my garden, riding bikes and listening to music. All of these things please me immensely but I still feel like I am lacking the impactful perspective that I used to have. I fear that it was only ever a result of the drugs I was on, the alcohol I drank, or the sadness I felt for so many years. I worry that now that I'm happy I'm not as creative as I used to be. I don't much care for my photography from those years but my words are quite another thing. I never write anymore...I can't write unless I feel lost. I guess that's why I'm writing this now, ha! I haven't written anything since the beginning of February, and that was the rare occasion of happy-writing, the day after my first shoot with David Winge. I can't understand this feeling; I am not sad or angry or miserable, just in a general sort of fog and confusion. I hope it gets sorted out soon. I think part of this is because my accordion has been broken and I can't play. Maybe I'm not falling from creativity; maybe it's just reshaping itself within me. Maybe now that I'm modeling and playing music those are my outlets, and my own photography and writing have taken a backseat...for now. I am truly terrible at being patient. I have such mixed feelings toward the future.
Oh, I'll quit lamenting for now. I must admit it's kind of nice to feel discontent; it pushes me forward more. After viewing lots of stuff on deviantART I stumbled across Collin J. Rae, fell in love, and contacted him for a shoot. He's coming to Austin in the fall so I'll get to do weird creepy motel stuff and foot fetish as well, hooray! Normally this is something I would never consider, but just look at the guy's work - I couldn't say no.
Bedtime now...or something...
Did an outdoor shoot today, it was fun...came home and perused ModelMayhem for like two hours...sometimes that can be a bad idea as it can make me feel inadequate but other times it's really inspiring and thought-provoking. Today it was the latter. I really like the work I've been doing but I feel like I'm really itching to branch out and do some other styles as well. I want to do weird conceptual stuff, skeezy motel shoots, Polaroid collages, bodyscapes...but I don't really know where to start. Okay, I do know where to start - I have to go buy that full-length mirror I've been meaning to get and work on new poses and get back into doing yoga. Pick up where I left off, so to speak. I don't have a mirror in my room and it's given me an interesting sense of self-awareness not being able to see myself all the time. My dad's house had mirrors all over the place; my new house only has one in the bathroom. Trippy...but I do need one for these purposes so I suppose I can spare the 15 dollars necessary.
I guess it's just a matter of networking, the same as it was when I started doing nude art in the first place. I just feel like other models have gotten so far and have gotten to work with so many great artists and I struggle to understand what sets them apart that gives them those opportunities or if they have just been really fortunate. I don't imagine it is the latter. So far everyone I have seen that fits that description has been immensely talented and beautiful and deserves every bit of recognition and travel and pay that comes to them. I suppose in the scheme of things I'm relatively new to this field but I am itching to advance. I get frustrated with myself because I often feel like I'm just lying dormant collecting rays of light and slowly sprouting but never blooming. I need to be patient. I've been patient watching the garden grow, waiting for my seeds to sprout, learning to play the accordion (though that still gives me the same feeling as modeling does sometimes). I want to do all these things but I know that everything important to my future will unfold one way or another, and I am taking all the possible steps to ensure that it happens. It's just the waiting that gets to me.
For that matter, sometimes I wonder what direction modeling will take me or if I will discover something I love that I never would have expected. I admire a lot of models' work that falls into the erotica/fetish category, something I will never ever shoot myself, but then I wonder, why won't I? Is it because I don't do these things in my personal life? Is it because I've uncomfortable with the idea of shooting something new? Is it my morals? Or is it simply because I think I would feel out of place dressed up in heels and makeup and tu-tus or with my wrists and ankles bound? I think it is the latter, but sometimes I question it. Regardless, sometimes I tire of feeling what I consider to be "tame" in my work and long to do something startling and raw.
For that matter, sometimes I find myself dissatisfied with my general demeanor. I feel like I am too nice, too sensible. I feel like I used to be so much stranger and dreamier than I am now and it irks me a bit. I have never considered myself normal but all of a sudden I feel like I am. I am really torn. I have this beautiful happy life and a healthy, stable relationship with a man I adore; I live in a little house with dogs and chickens and I spend my days in the sunshine eating salads from my garden, riding bikes and listening to music. All of these things please me immensely but I still feel like I am lacking the impactful perspective that I used to have. I fear that it was only ever a result of the drugs I was on, the alcohol I drank, or the sadness I felt for so many years. I worry that now that I'm happy I'm not as creative as I used to be. I don't much care for my photography from those years but my words are quite another thing. I never write anymore...I can't write unless I feel lost. I guess that's why I'm writing this now, ha! I haven't written anything since the beginning of February, and that was the rare occasion of happy-writing, the day after my first shoot with David Winge. I can't understand this feeling; I am not sad or angry or miserable, just in a general sort of fog and confusion. I hope it gets sorted out soon. I think part of this is because my accordion has been broken and I can't play. Maybe I'm not falling from creativity; maybe it's just reshaping itself within me. Maybe now that I'm modeling and playing music those are my outlets, and my own photography and writing have taken a backseat...for now. I am truly terrible at being patient. I have such mixed feelings toward the future.
Oh, I'll quit lamenting for now. I must admit it's kind of nice to feel discontent; it pushes me forward more. After viewing lots of stuff on deviantART I stumbled across Collin J. Rae, fell in love, and contacted him for a shoot. He's coming to Austin in the fall so I'll get to do weird creepy motel stuff and foot fetish as well, hooray! Normally this is something I would never consider, but just look at the guy's work - I couldn't say no.
Bedtime now...or something...
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Photos
Not much to say today, just figured I'd put some pictures up along with a bit of commentary. Going to see Sour Mash Hug Band tonight, have an interview at Wheatsville tomorrow, an interview at a coffee shop on Tuesday, and two shoots this week! And I'm finally not sick anymore and it's been beautiful and sunny and I have six daisy plants sprouting in an egg carton in my room and two tiny petunias. I never imagined I could be so happy because of such simple things. Now, if only my accordion strap would arrive so I could play it again...
The salad I ate from our garden today.
Dawn, her two dogs Goldie and Nap, and our new baby chickens Jean-Claire and Olive.
Babies!!
Fishtank Ensemble when they came through town last weekend.
Performing surgery on my accordion - the bass strap broke so I had to take it apart to figure out how to replace the strap.
The Electric Mountain Rotten Apple Gang featuring my handsome lover on banjo, last week at Flipnotics.
An image from a shoot I did last week with Marcus Evans. I also got to splash around in Bull Creek which is a bit north of here, can't wait to see the rest of the images!
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Shameless
In addition to being an amazing musician, devilishly handsome, and man of the year, my wonderful boyfriend is also an incredibly gifted artist. He's begun putting his work up on a couple of networking sites (links below!). You should definitely go and have a look-see. Be amazed and astounded! Pass it on to your friends for all their illustrating needs!
https://www.artistsites.org/gatorhorsestudio/
http://austinhellwigg.deviantart.com/
Behold (and click for full size). All images are by Adam Kobetich.
https://www.artistsites.org/gatorhorsestudio/
http://austinhellwigg.deviantart.com/
Behold (and click for full size). All images are by Adam Kobetich.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Neighborhood
I went for a walk around my neighborhood yesterday and found all kinds of things to photograph. Trees, gardens, and railroad tracks to follow. Yay east Austin! Click for full size and whatnot.
This weird creature lives on someone's porch on my street.
I've often thought that I take too many pictures of trees. Sadly, no matter how I try, I simply can't stop. There are so many beautiful trees here too. It's not fair!
Broccoli flowers and swiss chard!
And now, a shot from Rio Rita a few nights ago...
Yeah, I was drinking gin and tonics all night...but look at my cute roommates! Dawn's on the far right, her friend Autumn is next to her, and Olivia is on the left laughing. Love them.
This week I'm seeing Fishtank Ensemble, the Electric Mountain Rotten Apple Gang, the Inheritance, and I just found out Sour Mash Hug Band is playing next week too! Plus there's an all-accordion showcase on Saturday. I can't believe I didn't move here sooner!
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