Torn

Ooh crossroads...you've bested me again.
Did an outdoor shoot today, it was fun...came home and perused ModelMayhem for like two hours...sometimes that can be a bad idea as it can make me feel inadequate but other times it's really inspiring and thought-provoking. Today it was the latter. I really like the work I've been doing but I feel like I'm really itching to branch out and do some other styles as well. I want to do weird conceptual stuff, skeezy motel shoots, Polaroid collages, bodyscapes...but I don't really know where to start. Okay, I do know where to start - I have to go buy that full-length mirror I've been meaning to get and work on new poses and get back into doing yoga. Pick up where I left off, so to speak. I don't have a mirror in my room and it's given me an interesting sense of self-awareness not being able to see myself all the time. My dad's house had mirrors all over the place; my new house only has one in the bathroom. Trippy...but I do need one for these purposes so I suppose I can spare the 15 dollars necessary.
I guess it's just a matter of networking, the same as it was when I started doing nude art in the first place. I just feel like other models have gotten so far and have gotten to work with so many great artists and I struggle to understand what sets them apart that gives them those opportunities or if they have just been really fortunate. I don't imagine it is the latter. So far everyone I have seen that fits that description has been immensely talented and beautiful and deserves every bit of recognition and travel and pay that comes to them. I suppose in the scheme of things I'm relatively new to this field but I am itching to advance. I get frustrated with myself because I often feel like I'm just lying dormant collecting rays of light and slowly sprouting but never blooming. I need to be patient. I've been patient watching the garden grow, waiting for my seeds to sprout, learning to play the accordion (though that still gives me the same feeling as modeling does sometimes). I want to do all these things but I know that everything important to my future will unfold one way or another, and I am taking all the possible steps to ensure that it happens. It's just the waiting that gets to me.
For that matter, sometimes I wonder what direction modeling will take me or if I will discover something I love that I never would have expected. I admire a lot of models' work that falls into the erotica/fetish category, something I will never ever shoot myself, but then I wonder, why won't I? Is it because I don't do these things in my personal life? Is it because I've uncomfortable with the idea of shooting something new? Is it my morals? Or is it simply because I think I would feel out of place dressed up in heels and makeup and tu-tus or with my wrists and ankles bound? I think it is the latter, but sometimes I question it. Regardless, sometimes I tire of feeling what I consider to be "tame" in my work and long to do something startling and raw.
For that matter, sometimes I find myself dissatisfied with my general demeanor. I feel like I am too nice, too sensible. I feel like I used to be so much stranger and dreamier than I am now and it irks me a bit. I have never considered myself normal but all of a sudden I feel like I am. I am really torn. I have this beautiful happy life and a healthy, stable relationship with a man I adore; I live in a little house with dogs and chickens and I spend my days in the sunshine eating salads from my garden, riding bikes and listening to music. All of these things please me immensely but I still feel like I am lacking the impactful perspective that I used to have. I fear that it was only ever a result of the drugs I was on, the alcohol I drank, or the sadness I felt for so many years. I worry that now that I'm happy I'm not as creative as I used to be. I don't much care for my photography from those years but my words are quite another thing. I never write anymore...I can't write unless I feel lost. I guess that's why I'm writing this now, ha! I haven't written anything since the beginning of February, and that was the rare occasion of happy-writing, the day after my first shoot with David Winge. I can't understand this feeling; I am not sad or angry or miserable, just in a general sort of fog and confusion. I hope it gets sorted out soon. I think part of this is because my accordion has been broken and I can't play. Maybe I'm not falling from creativity; maybe it's just reshaping itself within me. Maybe now that I'm modeling and playing music those are my outlets, and my own photography and writing have taken a backseat...for now. I am truly terrible at being patient. I have such mixed feelings toward the future.
Oh, I'll quit lamenting for now. I must admit it's kind of nice to feel discontent; it pushes me forward more. After viewing lots of stuff on deviantART I stumbled across Collin J. Rae, fell in love, and contacted him for a shoot. He's coming to Austin in the fall so I'll get to do weird creepy motel stuff and foot fetish as well, hooray! Normally this is something I would never consider, but just look at the guy's work - I couldn't say no.

Bedtime now...or something...