Torn

Ooh crossroads...you've bested me again.
Did an outdoor shoot today, it was fun...came home and perused ModelMayhem for like two hours...sometimes that can be a bad idea as it can make me feel inadequate but other times it's really inspiring and thought-provoking. Today it was the latter. I really like the work I've been doing but I feel like I'm really itching to branch out and do some other styles as well. I want to do weird conceptual stuff, skeezy motel shoots, Polaroid collages, bodyscapes...but I don't really know where to start. Okay, I do know where to start - I have to go buy that full-length mirror I've been meaning to get and work on new poses and get back into doing yoga. Pick up where I left off, so to speak. I don't have a mirror in my room and it's given me an interesting sense of self-awareness not being able to see myself all the time. My dad's house had mirrors all over the place; my new house only has one in the bathroom. Trippy...but I do need one for these purposes so I suppose I can spare the 15 dollars necessary.
I guess it's just a matter of networking, the same as it was when I started doing nude art in the first place. I just feel like other models have gotten so far and have gotten to work with so many great artists and I struggle to understand what sets them apart that gives them those opportunities or if they have just been really fortunate. I don't imagine it is the latter. So far everyone I have seen that fits that description has been immensely talented and beautiful and deserves every bit of recognition and travel and pay that comes to them. I suppose in the scheme of things I'm relatively new to this field but I am itching to advance. I get frustrated with myself because I often feel like I'm just lying dormant collecting rays of light and slowly sprouting but never blooming. I need to be patient. I've been patient watching the garden grow, waiting for my seeds to sprout, learning to play the accordion (though that still gives me the same feeling as modeling does sometimes). I want to do all these things but I know that everything important to my future will unfold one way or another, and I am taking all the possible steps to ensure that it happens. It's just the waiting that gets to me.
For that matter, sometimes I wonder what direction modeling will take me or if I will discover something I love that I never would have expected. I admire a lot of models' work that falls into the erotica/fetish category, something I will never ever shoot myself, but then I wonder, why won't I? Is it because I don't do these things in my personal life? Is it because I've uncomfortable with the idea of shooting something new? Is it my morals? Or is it simply because I think I would feel out of place dressed up in heels and makeup and tu-tus or with my wrists and ankles bound? I think it is the latter, but sometimes I question it. Regardless, sometimes I tire of feeling what I consider to be "tame" in my work and long to do something startling and raw.
For that matter, sometimes I find myself dissatisfied with my general demeanor. I feel like I am too nice, too sensible. I feel like I used to be so much stranger and dreamier than I am now and it irks me a bit. I have never considered myself normal but all of a sudden I feel like I am. I am really torn. I have this beautiful happy life and a healthy, stable relationship with a man I adore; I live in a little house with dogs and chickens and I spend my days in the sunshine eating salads from my garden, riding bikes and listening to music. All of these things please me immensely but I still feel like I am lacking the impactful perspective that I used to have. I fear that it was only ever a result of the drugs I was on, the alcohol I drank, or the sadness I felt for so many years. I worry that now that I'm happy I'm not as creative as I used to be. I don't much care for my photography from those years but my words are quite another thing. I never write anymore...I can't write unless I feel lost. I guess that's why I'm writing this now, ha! I haven't written anything since the beginning of February, and that was the rare occasion of happy-writing, the day after my first shoot with David Winge. I can't understand this feeling; I am not sad or angry or miserable, just in a general sort of fog and confusion. I hope it gets sorted out soon. I think part of this is because my accordion has been broken and I can't play. Maybe I'm not falling from creativity; maybe it's just reshaping itself within me. Maybe now that I'm modeling and playing music those are my outlets, and my own photography and writing have taken a backseat...for now. I am truly terrible at being patient. I have such mixed feelings toward the future.
Oh, I'll quit lamenting for now. I must admit it's kind of nice to feel discontent; it pushes me forward more. After viewing lots of stuff on deviantART I stumbled across Collin J. Rae, fell in love, and contacted him for a shoot. He's coming to Austin in the fall so I'll get to do weird creepy motel stuff and foot fetish as well, hooray! Normally this is something I would never consider, but just look at the guy's work - I couldn't say no.

Bedtime now...or something...

Photos

Not much to say today, just figured I'd put some pictures up along with a bit of commentary. Going to see Sour Mash Hug Band tonight, have an interview at Wheatsville tomorrow, an interview at a coffee shop on Tuesday, and two shoots this week! And I'm finally not sick anymore and it's been beautiful and sunny and I have six daisy plants sprouting in an egg carton in my room and two tiny petunias. I never imagined I could be so happy because of such simple things. Now, if only my accordion strap would arrive so I could play it again...

The salad I ate from our garden today.

Dawn, her two dogs Goldie and Nap, and our new baby chickens Jean-Claire and Olive.

Babies!!

Fishtank Ensemble when they came through town last weekend.

Performing surgery on my accordion - the bass strap broke so I had to take it apart to figure out how to replace the strap.

The Electric Mountain Rotten Apple Gang featuring my handsome lover on banjo, last week at Flipnotics.

An image from a shoot I did last week with Marcus Evans. I also got to splash around in Bull Creek which is a bit north of here, can't wait to see the rest of the images!

Shameless

In addition to being an amazing musician, devilishly handsome, and man of the year, my wonderful boyfriend is also an incredibly gifted artist. He's begun putting his work up on a couple of networking sites (links below!). You should definitely go and have a look-see. Be amazed and astounded! Pass it on to your friends for all their illustrating needs!

https://www.artistsites.org/gatorhorsestudio/
http://austinhellwigg.deviantart.com/

Behold (and click for full size). All images are by Adam Kobetich.

Neighborhood

I went for a walk around my neighborhood yesterday and found all kinds of things to photograph. Trees, gardens, and railroad tracks to follow. Yay east Austin! Click for full size and whatnot.

This weird creature lives on someone's porch on my street.

I've often thought that I take too many pictures of trees. Sadly, no matter how I try, I simply can't stop. There are so many beautiful trees here too. It's not fair!

Broccoli flowers and swiss chard!

And now, a shot from Rio Rita a few nights ago...

Yeah, I was drinking gin and tonics all night...but look at my cute roommates! Dawn's on the far right, her friend Autumn is next to her, and Olivia is on the left laughing. Love them.

This week I'm seeing Fishtank Ensemble, the Electric Mountain Rotten Apple Gang, the Inheritance, and I just found out Sour Mash Hug Band is playing next week too! Plus there's an all-accordion showcase on Saturday. I can't believe I didn't move here sooner!

Music, Plants, Jobs, Pictures

Spent most of the day yesterday playing music with my ljuibov. He's teaching me a klezmer tune called Hongo en Freylehks and I'm teaching him one of my diddies, and showed him Hava Nagila yesterday too...dudes, accordion and banjo are meant for each other. It's no joke. When I've got Hongo en Freylehks down I'm going to teach it to my roommate Dawn, who plays the flute. So excited!

The other night I went out with my roommates and Adam to see the Inheritance, with Amanda (formerly of Adam's band) on accordion, Roy (also of Adam's band) on clarinet and Bruce on guitar. Super awesome! They have a residence at the East Side Show Room which is relatively close to me. I also got to drink while I was there which was staggeringly awesome (21 in three months). Then we went down the street to Rio Rita and I drank more gin and tonics and we listened to an old time music jam with a couple of banjos, a few guitars, several fiddlers and a harmonica player. I think a guy with a mandolin sat down toward the end as well. I can't even express how happy the night made me. It's so nice to have stuff to go out and do that is enjoyable and not expensive (well, except for my drinks). In Orange County there was never any music I was interested in seeing and in Austin there is so much I don't know what to do with myself! Adam's band is playing at Flipnotics on Sunday, and there's an all-accordion showcase there next Saturday I believe. Adam and I also plan on playing together once I get more secure with his songs/vice versa. Will definitely start out playing on the streets...but I'm so excited! I feel so much less stagnant now that I have songs to learn and things to focus on instead of just idling around when I play. And I definitely feel like I'm improving which is also really rewarding.

I got a card from my aunt in the mail today that was a "Happy Easter" card, which I don't normally relish, but she sent me a couple of seed packets too! I planted six petunia and six daisy seeds in an egg carton that I'm keeping in my window until I can transplant them. My roommates and I have been taking care of our little vegetable garden and it is so adorable and happy! The plants are getting really big and I can't wait till summer when we can make big salads with them.

I still don't have a steady part-time job but I'll be handing out more resumes on Saturday. Till then, I have three or four paying shoots in April plus one at the end of March, and a research study for Camel Snus that pays $425. Uh, did I mention I applied to be a magician's assistant too?!?! I saw an ad on craigslist and jumped at the chance to respond to it. The magician emailed me back asking for photos, so I went outside with my sweet roommate Olivia Brown, who shoots weddings and portraits beautifully, and now I have lots of nice, family-friendly photos to send off to him. Sweet Jesus, I hope I get the job! I'd be on tour through Arizona, California, and Colorado for two weeks and get paid $800, plus eat and sleep for free, and get to see the Grand Canyon and all kinds of cool stuff. Things have just been so wonderful here; I have never been so consistently happy.

Onward and upward!

Photos by Adam.

Soulmates!

Aujourd'hui

Beautiful day today (and wonderful last night as well). I've been sick the last few days but feel significantly better today. Adam brought me soup last night and spent the night with me and we stayed up late watching nature documentaries. Today I got a really sweet package from my mom and my little sister that made me homesick briefly. Is familysick a word? I don't miss Orange County but I do miss some people that exist there, my mom and sisters being key figures in that. I feel familysick is more appropriate for these reasons. Adam and I went outside and sat on the front steps of the house to enjoy the warm weather and sunshine, went back in to check the weather for thunderstorms, and five minutes later heard an enormous clap of thunder, a lightning bolt ripped across the sky, and IT. FUCKING. POURED. For like 10 minutes the rain came down in sheets and it even started hailing! After that 10 minutes it was sunny, clear and beautiful again, so Adam and I went exploring and found amazing things. Words cannot express how much I love this man.

I am so happy here, every simple action, word, or look or cute house on the street makes me so thankful and overjoyed to be here. I still haven't found a steady job (my hunting was hindered by getting sick) but I'm going to go around putting in more resumes in the next couple of days, and until then I have a few modelling jobs that I'm really excited about! I was really lucky that a couple of local photographers got in touch with me within the last couple days who are interested in working with me AND who want to pay my rates. Freakin sweet.

Anyway, here's pictures! Lots of 'em! As always, click for full size, yadda yadda...

My bed!

My rocks!

View out the front door.

Our adorable kitchen.

Kitchen window.

Our baby vegetable garden! Kale, broccoli, lettuce, and swiss chard in this one. We have lots of herbs and some flowers for another couple of beds, and lots of seeds to start out too. This summer is going to be delicious!

Our backyard, complete with trees, bike shed, and chicken coop.

The downpour!

Creek near my house.

Ljuibov!

Beautiful, GIANT oyster(?) fossil we found in the creekbed! It lives on our front porch now.

Finished the day off with leftover soup, pasta with portabella mushrooms and red peppers, and coconut milk ice cream. I am a super happy camper.

Love.

Austin

I live in Austin now! The house I live in is amazing; it is super vintagey and quaint and full of knick-knacks, it has hardwood floors and old glass doorknobs and ceiling fans and lots of windows, and one of my windows overlooks the big backyard where the chickens live in a coop and our bicycles live in the shed behind them. I've been waking up every morning to the sound of grackles practicing their wide vocabularies, and today discovered a female cardinal frequenting the yard for twigs to build her nest (I hope it's in one of our trees). The kids who live next door are really sweet and wandered over to meet us when they heard Adam playing banjo in the backyard. My roommates are all really stellar. All except one of us went to the garden store yesterday and bought a whole bunch of baby plants home for planting in the front yard. Soon we'll have big bunches of kale, broccoli (maybe), chard, and lots of herbs, plus lettuce and cucumber and maybe tomatoes when it gets a bit warmer. I've gotten to see Adam pretty much every day since I've been here and it's been simply wonderful. Today we played music together and then went off hunting rocks at Boggy Creek. Found lots of treasures.

Unfortunately I feel like I'm getting sick AGAIN, after I was already sick for nearly two weeks upon coming home from Austin last time. I really hope it's just a scratchy throat from some other, non-viral source, because I need to go out and look for jobs in the next couple days, and I totally can't afford to get sick and delay that process.

I don't have any pictures just yet...I do have some of the house but none that are very exciting...but many await!